Where Did My Give-a-Sh*t Go? A Menopause Mystery Solved by Science

Let’s set the scene: once upon a time, you were the queen of emotional labor. You remembered birthdays. You sent thank-you notes. You asked Karen from accounting how her cat’s ear infection was doing. But now? You’re one lost sock away from snapping, and if Karen’s cat has nine lives, she can figure it out herself.

Welcome to menopause, where your estrogen takes an Irish exit and takes your “give-a-sh*t” factor with it.

The Nurture Hormone No One Warned You About

Estrogen isn’t just about periods, babies, or hot flashes that turn you into a human lava lamp. It also moonlights as your inner social glue. Estrogen boosts oxytocin (a.k.a. the “bonding hormone”), helping you care, connect, and coo over baby animals and needy coworkers.

When estrogen’s in town, you’re more likely to:

• Remember to ask how your neighbor’s mom’s hip replacement went.

• Bake muffins for a school fundraiser you didn’t even sign up for.

• Cry at dog food commercials.

But as estrogen leaves the building? You might notice something curious:

• You stop volunteering for everything.

• You stop tolerating nonsense.

• You start prioritizing yourself. (Gasp!)

Is It Rudeness or Just… Hormones?

When estrogen dips (as it naturally does during perimenopause and menopause), research shows it can mess with mood, motivation, and your stress response.

According to the American Psychological Association, estrogen plays a role in the classic “tend-and-befriend” stress response—meaning women often respond to stress by nurturing others or seeking social support. But when estrogen declines, so can those instincts. You’re not becoming mean. You’re becoming biochemically selective.

A study in Hormones and Behavior also found estrogen affects oxytocin and dopamine—hormones tied to trust, bonding, and reward. With less estrogen, your brain isn’t handing out emotional gold stars for doing all the things for all the people. Hence: less motivation to people-please. (Taylor et al., 2000, Barha et al., 2010)

The Good News: You’re Not Broken—You’re Evolving

Instead of mourning your lost nurturing superpowers, consider this your permission slip to recalibrate. You haven’t lost your empathy—you’ve just become more discerning about where it goes. Think of it like a social budget: no more spending all your emotional currency on expired friendships and PTA bake sales.

Estrogen didn’t make you kind. It just made you more chemically incentivized to care for everyone. Now, you get to choose where your energy goes—and that, my friend, is a power move.

Menopause Mystery Solved! Science Says So (Sources)

• Taylor, S. E., et al. (2000). Biobehavioral responses to stress in females: tend-and-befriend, not fight-or-flight. American Psychological Association. Link

• Barha, C. K., Galea, L. A. (2010). Influence of different estrogens on neuroplasticity and cognition in the hippocampus. Hormones and Behavior, 58(1), 198-210. Link

• Gennev. How menopause affects your social life. Link

• ScienceDirect. Women’s desire for children correlates with estrogen levels. Link